Hope Destroyed

Wednesday, November 30, 2011 Posted by Debbie Legg

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In the Fall of 1996 I lost all hope.  Mentally, emotionally and physically I could not handle any more infertility treatments.  My husband was not interested in adoption.  My dream of motherhood was dead.

“Why, God?  Why us?  We are Your children.  We try our best to follow You and do what You ask.  We would be great parents.  We’ve given our lives to You and You can’t even treat us the same as everyone else?  Are You really a God who loves us and has a plan for our lives?  Is there really even a God AT ALL?”

God was denying me my heart's desire. I felt betrayed.  If God was against me I stood no chance. 

It wasn’t infertility that destroyed my hope, but rather my own expectation and entitlement.  I was expecting God to play fair, according to my definition of fair.  I felt I was entitled to, well…whatever will make me happy…right?  

Umm…not so much.  God is sovereign, the supreme authority, and I am not.  He sees the entire mural while I see a miniscule portion of the canvas.  He always has the better idea.  His timing is perfect.  

I finally got over myself, quit demanding advising talking and started listening.  Once I stopped whining about what I felt I deserved, gratitude for all I was blessed with flooded my soul.  When I surrendered my plans to The One Who Loves Me More Than His Own Life, my spiritual eyes awakened to the miracles of His provision and love already around me.  I learned that hope grows through humility, gratitude and yieldedness.  

We also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. Romans 5:3,4

Eighteen months later, God did provide a miracle.  We named him Matthew.  Nine years after that came another miracle, Nathan.  It is no coincidence that both of their names mean Gift of God.    

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